Have you ever looked at someone and thought to yourself “Yep, I’m going to jail today”? I’ve recently experienced this thought the last time my Nazi neighbors came ringing my door bell. I live in a nice city in southern Germany. The apartment building is also relatively nice; except for the aforementioned Nazis. The shit they come and complain about is utterly ridiculous. Everything from my washing machine is too loud; my satellite dish should be taken down because it’s “unsightly”; the shadow off your balcony is killing my plants, and much more. Each one of these usually just warrants a “go fuck yourself”, followed by a closed-door in the face. But the thing that was the proverbial “last straw” was when the old broad that lives beneath us rang the door bell because the dice were too loud during a game we were playing on my balcony. Really?! But frying up some funky ass liver outside in the middle of the night is completely acceptable. I really wanted to do this old bitch harm. Now she is old, so she wouldn’t have received a full beat down, but a nice back hand would have put her in her place. Then I began thinking about the ensuing assault charge and calmed down a little bit.
Wouldn’t it be nice if you could beat somebody’s ass without worrying about legal ramifications. I’ve contemplated this for a while. I believe people should be able to give three “legal” ass whippins a year. This way there are some controls. If not, then the world would cease to function because people would be too busy fucking other people up all day. I guarantee that this would not only decrease the number of assaults, but in turn, decrease the murder rate. Think about it. People would be so quick to react if one, they knew they could get a way with it; two, if they had to contemplate whether or not the person was worth one of their legal ass beatings, and just decided to save it for another time. Of course other control methods would need to be put into place, like reporting procedures; tracking by the police to ensure you don’t go over your quota; properly documenting pictures of the victim, etc. Maybe I should draft up a plan and send it to my congressman. I wonder if it would make it to legislation. I don’t know about over here in Germany, but I figure they should have a congress person equivalent. That would be awesome. Then the next time someone rings my doorbell with some bullshit, I could just Mike Tyson that bitch and call it a day.
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